My wedding was not what you would say traditional. Some things were. Some things were not.
The main things that were not:
1) Our vows… I did not want the traditional "wives submit yourselves…" I believe that is a load of misinterpretation.
2) The line "who gives this woman" was not included in the dialog. At the age of 26 I was living alone in my own house with my own job to pay for my own house… I most certainly did not belong to my father or my mother and I am just as much their daughter now as I was before I was married.
3) The one I get the most crap for… I have not changed my name. On Facebook it says "Annette Ostrander-Fenske, however my drivers license, social security card, library card, credit card, name on the deed of the house, name on the title of my car, name on my business card, name on my passport… (you get the idea) still says "Annette Ostrander". The thing is… Why would anyone ask someone else to do something that they them self would NEVER consider doing (changing their last name). Many men, including my husband, would NEVER consider changing their last name, but have no problem expecting "the love of their life" to happily give up her last name to take theirs. I just don't get it.
I just sat through a traditional marriage ceremony…. And thats fine I guess if that is what someone REALLY WANTS to do… everyone has a right to plan their own wedding, however I do wonder if the reason they do it the same way everyone else does is because they are afraid to break the tradition, afraid of what people will say and think… So they just go along with it because they don't want to make any waves…
I don't care about waves. Bring on the waves, bring on a freaking tsunami if need be. I will not conform to the way of the world just because "thats just the way it is". That answer has never been good enough, that answer will never be good enough.
SO the traditional wedding… They have the father walk the daughter down the isle. The mother is apparently not as important because it's obvious that testicles are superior to ovarys'… never mind that the mother is the one who carried the daughter around inside her for 9 months, went through all sorts of great times in the delivery room, faced the challenges of post delivery (body and emotional) and most likely spent more time caring for the daughter as she was growing… despite all that, her less superior ovarys' have her sitting down in a row of chairs as the holder of the testicles answers the questions "who gives this woman"….
After the giving of the walking hunk of meat in the white dress she/it/whatever… must then vow to submit to her husband and let him be the head of the house hold…(who would willing sign up for all that anyway?… single and on your own, making your own choices, or marry someone to control you… hmmm...) That statement in those vows sure leaves a lot open to interpretation… Yes, the man must state he will love the woman as Christ loved the church, and care for her as he cares for his own body.. .. The bride better hope her new master takes good care of his body, otherwise she has very little to look forward to...
After that and it's all said and done, the holder of the testicle gets to "kiss his bride".. his new property… and then they are pronounced Mr & Mrs testicle holder's first name, testicle holders last name… some happy music plays and they prance down the isle… The end.. happily ever after right?
You see… the thing is, is that I DO NOT WANT testicles. I have no desire to be male. I just want to be treated as the equal I am in the areas I am equal. I understand quite well that Men and Women are different. Men are better at some things, women are better at some things. I understand (or at least I think I do) how these traditions were set in place…. I understand why some men, and people want them to stay that way… and I don't approve or appreciate the reasoning, at least none that I have heard.
Sure, back when the world was less civilized women needed more protection, men in their grossness and evilness (not to say women are perfect, but men have used their power and strength to force woman into submission many many many more times than the opposite has happened). Back then Fathers needed to really protect their daughters from rape and murder… when a woman married a man, that responsibility was given from the father to the new husband….and thats the nice version, as you know back then women were treated as property, but we won't talk about that right now.. lets just say it was for protection… Well now we have police, government, and well… guns, and women are just fine at using a gun if they work on it. Maybe some women do not want to and they want a man to hide behind, and thats fine… I'll admit if someone broke into my house my husband would be the one going down the stairs first… why? because he's a better shot than me… If I was a better shot I would go first… I don't think I ever will be, but if I was…
So that whole giving the woman away thing… why? Why now? Our clothes are not the same as they were 100 years ago, we use computers now, so many things have changed… why not marriage, and the marriage triditions.
The submitting thing… The bible also says that we are to submit ourselves to each other… why don't they read that verse at weddings instead? It also says "Love one Another" In a good marriage I don't think anyone would ever talk about submitting to each other, because if you both follow what the bible says, respect each other, love each other, treat each other as you would want to be treated… Anyone submitting to anyone would not be something that would come up in conversation.
As for the name… I get it, it would be nice to have a "one family name" but why should it be the males name? I like my name… My parents chose to name me that name.. Then it gets complicated because I have my fathers last name… but my mother did CHOOSE to change her name.. I have not chosen. And whats wrong with that? I am not a possession, I am not less than my husband, I am not less important in the relationship, I do not contribute less… God made me in his image also… I matter too.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
But its MY name..
The wedding plans are going ok... Good I guess. Got the invites off - a bunch came back because apparently you have to pay an extra 20 cents to send a square envelope.. lame. Have a lot to do this month though. The shower is in 2 weeks.... My sister is doing a really nice job on that... I feel bad though that she is doing so much work & spending money & time on me when I'm sure she has lots of things to do that are more fun... but I am happy that she is planning it & exited to go.. I have a dress already to wear...
Got clothes for Judah and I to go on our honey moon...
Still need to book another tour & transportation to the resort...
Still need to make a cake topper...
Still need to pick ceremony site...
Still need to print programs...
Still need to plan the rehersal dinner...
And a few other things...
But my issue now is that I don't know if I CAN change my name. Not for any legal reasons, but because I don't know if myself will let myself... It's complicated, you see. Imagine yourself on the top of a rock... You want to jump into the lake - it's safe - it's fun - you have watched other people do it... but you can't make your self do it - it just does not feel right to jump in. You try to take a running start... you try to leap, but somehow you screech to a halt right at the edge... You waver a little, because your balance is lost, you almost fall in but every muscle in your body works to prevent that from happening... Finally you stand at the edge and look down again.... You don't want to jump anymore.
It's something like that. I love Judah. I like his name - Annette Fenske sounds and looks perceptually fine. I want him to be happy because I love him and I know that he wants me to change my name so that we can have the same last name... but that is where it gets complicated...
You see, the whole reason women changed their names to their husbands names was because the woman's ownership was being transferred from her fathers to her husbands.... I am not property. This is my choice. I see no reason to change my name based on a tradition that was unjust and actually really horrible, prohibiting women from voting, or even opening her own credit card with out her husbands permission. It just does not seem right to me to change my name based on that origin. It seems that, if I do that, Change my name, that I condone that treatment, even now that my value as a person lessons by choosing to change my name... But I want to because I love Judah and I know he wants me to...
The problem is, I wish I could just leave it at that... But after discussion, I started to be angry at Judah too about this. Why would the man that loves me, and would do anything for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me WANT me to use a tradition that came from such a origin? Maybe he does not truly love me... I thought... When I asked why he wanted me to take his name he said "because I love you and want to share my name with you" to me that seemed prideful. What about my name - I could say the same thing - it's just our stupid traditions and cultural expectations that make men that way... I hate it. I hate the world.
In modern days I see a purposes for a family to have the same last name... So that they all share it, they are a family unit... I understand that, I want that... However, if that is the main purpose it should not matter WHAT name our common name is. The fact that he would not be willing to change his name hurts because that means he understands why I would not want to and yet he still wants me to. He would not even conciser having a new or combined name... Changing his name is out of the question to him, but I am to change my name and should just do it because that is "just how it is" Well that answer has never been good enough for me and it most certainly is not in this case. Just the fact that if he did change his name (and I know he will not, but just play along with me) If he did, so many people would think it was SO strange, his parents would be upset, many of his family members would be upset... We would be questioned constantly.... People might even look down on him, make jokes, poke fun... That makes me angry. Why should it be any different than me changing my name? No one would say anything, in fact they would call us "Mr & Mrs Fenske" on purpose just to hear it.. I hate that things that are socially excepted and have no real reason for being that way in the world today, are just automatically accepted & going against the grain brings suspicion, scorn, questioning... It just isen't right.
So because of all that... I don't know if I can do it. I know that if I do not Judah will resent me - I will resent that he resents me for that because I do not think it should matter so much to him since he understands how I feel... He wouldn't want to change him ether.. On the other hand if I DO change my name I may resent him. I guess my most favorable option now is to hyphenate names.. I think that if I do that then our future children will also have hyphenated last names like mine - then he will be the odd ball because he would not change anything for me.
I am still struggling with this... I do not know what I will do :( This is not fun though. I will say that.
Got clothes for Judah and I to go on our honey moon...
Still need to book another tour & transportation to the resort...
Still need to make a cake topper...
Still need to pick ceremony site...
Still need to print programs...
Still need to plan the rehersal dinner...
And a few other things...
But my issue now is that I don't know if I CAN change my name. Not for any legal reasons, but because I don't know if myself will let myself... It's complicated, you see. Imagine yourself on the top of a rock... You want to jump into the lake - it's safe - it's fun - you have watched other people do it... but you can't make your self do it - it just does not feel right to jump in. You try to take a running start... you try to leap, but somehow you screech to a halt right at the edge... You waver a little, because your balance is lost, you almost fall in but every muscle in your body works to prevent that from happening... Finally you stand at the edge and look down again.... You don't want to jump anymore.
It's something like that. I love Judah. I like his name - Annette Fenske sounds and looks perceptually fine. I want him to be happy because I love him and I know that he wants me to change my name so that we can have the same last name... but that is where it gets complicated...
You see, the whole reason women changed their names to their husbands names was because the woman's ownership was being transferred from her fathers to her husbands.... I am not property. This is my choice. I see no reason to change my name based on a tradition that was unjust and actually really horrible, prohibiting women from voting, or even opening her own credit card with out her husbands permission. It just does not seem right to me to change my name based on that origin. It seems that, if I do that, Change my name, that I condone that treatment, even now that my value as a person lessons by choosing to change my name... But I want to because I love Judah and I know he wants me to...
The problem is, I wish I could just leave it at that... But after discussion, I started to be angry at Judah too about this. Why would the man that loves me, and would do anything for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me WANT me to use a tradition that came from such a origin? Maybe he does not truly love me... I thought... When I asked why he wanted me to take his name he said "because I love you and want to share my name with you" to me that seemed prideful. What about my name - I could say the same thing - it's just our stupid traditions and cultural expectations that make men that way... I hate it. I hate the world.
In modern days I see a purposes for a family to have the same last name... So that they all share it, they are a family unit... I understand that, I want that... However, if that is the main purpose it should not matter WHAT name our common name is. The fact that he would not be willing to change his name hurts because that means he understands why I would not want to and yet he still wants me to. He would not even conciser having a new or combined name... Changing his name is out of the question to him, but I am to change my name and should just do it because that is "just how it is" Well that answer has never been good enough for me and it most certainly is not in this case. Just the fact that if he did change his name (and I know he will not, but just play along with me) If he did, so many people would think it was SO strange, his parents would be upset, many of his family members would be upset... We would be questioned constantly.... People might even look down on him, make jokes, poke fun... That makes me angry. Why should it be any different than me changing my name? No one would say anything, in fact they would call us "Mr & Mrs Fenske" on purpose just to hear it.. I hate that things that are socially excepted and have no real reason for being that way in the world today, are just automatically accepted & going against the grain brings suspicion, scorn, questioning... It just isen't right.
So because of all that... I don't know if I can do it. I know that if I do not Judah will resent me - I will resent that he resents me for that because I do not think it should matter so much to him since he understands how I feel... He wouldn't want to change him ether.. On the other hand if I DO change my name I may resent him. I guess my most favorable option now is to hyphenate names.. I think that if I do that then our future children will also have hyphenated last names like mine - then he will be the odd ball because he would not change anything for me.
I am still struggling with this... I do not know what I will do :( This is not fun though. I will say that.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Planning is going good - I guess I'm sort of on schedule. I found a great site - wedding wire - they have great to-do lists, budgeting, AND a website. here it is - it's still in progress: http://www.weddingwire.com/FenskeOstrander
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| Ellis House Equestrian center |
Last saturday we picked our cake at Enjoy. Joi made us 3 little cakes of our selection. We decided to try Red Velvet, pumpkin & swirl with cream cheese frosting and regular frosting. They were all really good but we decided on doing the main cake with red velvet & cream cheese frosting - then doing a separate sheet cake for the rest in swirl and regular frosting. We are working really good with Enjoy except I think they had a really bad experience with their liquor licence stuff - they are very touchy and strict about it - sometimes it comes across as rude - but I think it is because of bad experiences - my guests will not be a problem (I hope :)) I think some people are really stupid about their weddings too - get super upset if they don't get to do exactly what they want when they want... I can't get over how many choices I have with this wedding - I could do anything... it's wierd. i'm use to having a few options to choose from... it's hard deciding everything....
So we have the place, the food, the drinks (I'll be watching for water, soda & liquor sales soon!) Then we have the dress - AND it fits. I ordered it online... Defantly can't gain any weight before the wedding - good thing I'll have run a 50k about 3 weeks before.
Our tent place is Channahon General Rentals... in...you guessed it - Channahon. We are renting a 40x80 tent - lights, round tables, a bar, a wedding arch thing, other tables... I also decided I want to have a pop corn maker for later in the night! Late night snacks & Judah and I both love pop corn.
We also asked my old youth pastor Paul Banister of Cornerstone Church to do the wedding Ceremony and he said he would do it - so that is exiting. We have not decided where to do it yet though - figure we will take a trip to Ellis house in the spring to decide. I want to have fun stuf for people to do through out the night - like bags and other game type stuff. Make it a party - not some formal event.
I am fairly certain I am going to book Missy from Elite Photography to photograph the wedding. I worked with missy as her assistant when I was in college & I alway liked her, and her work. Since then she is even better and more experienced and she has agreed to give me a lower rate for the day since I just want a disk of the images to do the retouching myself. My dad is a photographer and though I was going to have him shoot the wedding like he did for my sisters - I feel bad, but I really think it will be nicer for everyone to have Missy do it - that will be her only concern for the day - unlike his - he has to walk me down the isle, dress and get ready himself, be in the photoes and talk to guests... I am hoping I will not hurt his feelings too much by booking Elite Photo. It's not that i don't think he will do a good job - I just want my dad to be my dad at the wedding - not my photographer...
The DJ is my next concern and I have discovered they are expensive. The least expensive one is $590 tax free cash only... She seems nice enough, but a little controlling, and she does not have many lights.
tasks coming up are: book dj & photographer for sure - finish my invites & print. Get addresses from Judah's mom & start constructing the invites to mail... then start ordering decorations, plates and stuff like that.
Also we have decided on our honeymoon - we are going to Costa Rica - the Riu - it's an all inclusive with 5 restaurants, a HUGE pool, by the ocean, tennis, trails, by jungle, included paddle botes, snorkeling wind surfing & more.
I went to a bridal expo a few weeks ago and got a lot of good info - I also won a awesome suit case! pretty exited about that. I needed one too!
Well that's all for now! lots to do!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Getting Better
Well - I think I've got this wedding & getting married thing under control. We had to change the date - it's going to be July 6th now. Ellis House Equestrian Center is booked - We found a tent place channahon rental - the seemed to have the best prices & they are close to Ellis House. They will put up a tent over the whole tent pad - so we will have pleanty of room. We decided on Enjoi Bakery in Morris for our food & cake. They have good prices & are also close. We will have Herb roasted chicken, Roast beef with gravy, Green Beans, baby red roasted potatoes, a salad with spinach, strawberry, apples, bacon and a raspberry dressing & rolls. We're going to get plates and decorations on line. The tent place has "globe lightning" but we want to do something more interesting as well for that - some sort of colored globes maybe.
I have the invitations pretty much done. I'm going to send them to print and have a "invitation construction party" Because I wan to tie them together with ribbon and some other stuff....
Saturday my mom & 3 of my bridesmaids came with for me to try on wedding dresses. it was nice to have them there and I think I will order one of the dresses today. One that I liked had a lace up back and a kind along train. I liked it a lot, but for an outdoor wedding I don't think the train is going to make me happy. I like the way it looks, but it was more expensive and I just think i would get sick of the train - and they look wierd when they are "bussled" up... the other one I liked was really simple, no train... we tied a green sash on it with a bow in the back and I really liked it... I think for an outdoor wedding it would be better - I do wish it had a lace up back though, but it's not worth it to me to go look at more dresses to find "the perfect one" or to pay the extra money to have it put in...
Judah and I also opened a joint wedding checking account that will be our joint account to pay bills out of once we are married.
My sister (maid of honor) is going to plan a wedding shower for June - I opened up registers - but have not added anything to them yet. I figure Judah and I will do that together before she sends off the invites....
I have a nice check list that i'm working on... it all seems pretty manageable.... I think it's going to be a really fun celebration for all our friends and family.
I have the invitations pretty much done. I'm going to send them to print and have a "invitation construction party" Because I wan to tie them together with ribbon and some other stuff....
Saturday my mom & 3 of my bridesmaids came with for me to try on wedding dresses. it was nice to have them there and I think I will order one of the dresses today. One that I liked had a lace up back and a kind along train. I liked it a lot, but for an outdoor wedding I don't think the train is going to make me happy. I like the way it looks, but it was more expensive and I just think i would get sick of the train - and they look wierd when they are "bussled" up... the other one I liked was really simple, no train... we tied a green sash on it with a bow in the back and I really liked it... I think for an outdoor wedding it would be better - I do wish it had a lace up back though, but it's not worth it to me to go look at more dresses to find "the perfect one" or to pay the extra money to have it put in...
Judah and I also opened a joint wedding checking account that will be our joint account to pay bills out of once we are married.
My sister (maid of honor) is going to plan a wedding shower for June - I opened up registers - but have not added anything to them yet. I figure Judah and I will do that together before she sends off the invites....
I have a nice check list that i'm working on... it all seems pretty manageable.... I think it's going to be a really fun celebration for all our friends and family.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
And so it begins.
It's December now - I have been engaged for around 2 months. My Fiance Judah and I have decided to have a local small wedding. We talked about eloping and a destination wedding - but settled on a regular home wedding (not at home, but around home) Since then I have started realizing how much goes into a wedding. Since then I have reconsidered the eloping thing.
So far - endless we abandon all these plans and really do just elope, we have gotten to this:
Date: June 15th 2013
Place: Ellis House equestrian center in Moonoka Illinois
Caterer: In progress - either "Enjoy" in Morris, "Fays BBQ" or "Upper Crust" In yorkville
We tried "The Catering Gourmet in Sugar grove, and it was REALLY good - however more pricy, with a lot more add on's such as $40 per chafing dish where Upper Crust is only $10 - they also charge to cut the cake, un like upper crust who charges per hour of service from the servers, and they will cut the cake, clean etc. while they are their. The food at "the catering Gourmet was excellant though. We had their breaded chicken and loved it, their Potato Au Gratin, also excellant, Grilled pork chops, and a extremely good spinach & fruit salad that had strawberries, apples & bacon in it.
Ceremony: Ellis house has a big house to get ready in - it also has room for a 60 person cock tail hour. We are thinking of having a small ceremony on the property - then maybe an hour between that and the reception when the rest of the gusts arrive.
That brings me to the Cocktails.
I called a place called "Enjoy" They also do catering which I will consider. I have not gotten all the details, but I am hoping that it will be possible for us to supply all the beverages, and they have their bartender serve them. Otherwise it gets somewhat price - but not bad compared to other places. I believe it's $9 a person.
Questions I need to as are: If we can supply our own alcohol, what the pricing is for that.
If we cannot and they charge per person - how do they do that? wrist bands/a hand stamp? because many people at our wedding will not be drinking - I do not want to pay $9 for our parents to have ONE glass of wine.
As far as the food - I want it buffet style. I think it's faster, the food is just as good/better because it is hotter & it is MUCH more affordable.
For plates etc. I want to do plastic - the nicer kind that look some what real. I can get 100 really nice plastic plates on ebay for only $60 - I plan to get decorations, table stuff & center pieces that way if possible.
My ideas for lights are on here
We will have to rent a tent for the reception - get a DJ - get a cake... so may things. Number the tables, send out invitations, gift registry... party favors, bridal party presents... dresses, wedding rings. I want my dog Matilda to come, but what if she's bad? I need to pick out colors.
A girl from my work got engaged just a bit before me - she has EVERYTHING done already. even her dress and she's getting married in August. How is this possible?
You know what i'm sick of? I'm sick of all the wedding sites that keep telling me that they will help me plan the wedding of my dreams - the wedding I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. What if I have not dreamed about a wedding since I was a little girl? what about very strange girls who played with modle horses, ran around the neighborhood catching bugs and building forts & riding horses? I never dreamed about a wedding - I have NO IDEA what in the world the big hype is all about. It's not that i'm not exited to get married - or is it? I'm really more exited about going on a honey moon and having a exiting adventure with the man I love & BEING married to him for the rest of my life than the actual process of GETTING married.... you know? I don't even like dresses.
I have only asked my maid of honor so far - Judah has not asked anyone.... So many choices to make and so many things to do....
Elope? PLEASE?!?!?!!?!?!?!
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