But its MY name..

The wedding plans are going ok... Good I guess. Got the invites off - a bunch came back because apparently you have to pay an extra 20 cents to send a square envelope.. lame. Have a lot to do this month though. The shower is in 2 weeks.... My sister is doing a really nice job on that... I feel bad though that she is doing so much work & spending money & time on me when I'm sure she has lots of things to do that are more fun... but I am happy that she is planning it & exited to go.. I have a dress already to wear...

Got clothes for Judah and I to go on our honey moon...
Still need to book another tour & transportation to the resort...

Still need to make a cake topper...
Still need to pick ceremony site...
Still need to print programs...
Still need to plan the rehersal dinner...

And a few other things...

But my issue now is that I don't know if I CAN change my name. Not for any legal reasons, but  because I don't know if myself will let myself... It's complicated, you see. Imagine yourself on the top of a rock... You want to jump into the lake - it's safe - it's fun - you have watched other people do it... but you can't make your self do it - it just does not feel right to jump in. You try to take a running start... you try to leap, but somehow you screech to a halt right at the edge... You waver a little, because your balance is lost, you almost fall in but every muscle in your body works to prevent that from happening... Finally you stand at the edge and look down again.... You don't want to jump anymore.

It's something like that. I love Judah. I like his name - Annette Fenske sounds and looks perceptually fine.  I want him to be happy because I love him and I know that he wants me to change my name so that we can have the same last name... but that is where it gets complicated...

You see, the whole reason women changed their names to their husbands names was because the woman's ownership was being transferred from her fathers to her husbands.... I am not property. This is my choice. I see no reason to change my name based on a tradition that was unjust and actually really horrible, prohibiting women from voting, or even opening her own credit card with out her husbands permission. It just does not seem right to me to change my name based on that origin. It seems that, if I do that, Change my name, that I condone that treatment, even now that my value as a person lessons by choosing to change my name... But I want to because I love Judah and I know he wants me to... 

The problem is, I wish I could just leave it at that... But after discussion, I started to be angry at Judah too about this. Why would the man that loves me, and would do anything for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me WANT me to use a tradition that came from such a origin? Maybe he does not truly love me... I thought... When I asked why he wanted me to take his name he said "because I love you and want to share my name with you" to me that seemed prideful. What about my name - I could say the same thing - it's just our stupid traditions and cultural expectations that make men that way... I hate it. I hate the world.

In modern days I see a purposes for a family to have the same last name... So that they all share it, they are a family unit... I understand that, I want that... However, if that is the main purpose it should not matter WHAT name our common name is. The fact that he would not be willing to change his name hurts because that means he understands why I would not want to and yet he still wants me to. He would not even conciser having a new or combined name... Changing his name is out of the question to him, but I am to change my name and should just do it because that is "just how it is" Well that answer has never been good enough for me and it most certainly is not in this case. Just the fact that if he did change his name (and I know he will not, but just play along with me) If he did, so many people would think it was SO strange, his parents would be upset, many of his family members would be upset... We would be questioned constantly.... People might even look down on him, make jokes, poke fun... That makes me angry. Why should it be any different than me changing my name? No one would say anything, in fact they would call us "Mr & Mrs Fenske" on purpose just to hear it.. I hate that things that are socially excepted and have no real reason for being that way in the world today, are just automatically accepted & going against the grain brings suspicion, scorn, questioning...  It just isen't right.

So because of all that... I don't know if I can do it. I know that if I do not Judah will resent me - I will resent that he resents me for that because I do not think it should matter so much to him since he understands how I feel... He wouldn't want to change him ether.. On the other hand if I DO change my name I may resent him. I guess my most favorable option now is to hyphenate names.. I think that if I do that then our future children will also have hyphenated last names like mine - then he will be the odd ball because he would not change anything for me.

I am still struggling with this... I do not know what I will do :( This is not fun though. I will say that.

Planning is going good - I guess I'm sort of on schedule. I found a great site - wedding wire - they have great to-do lists, budgeting, AND a website. here it is - it's still in progress: http://www.weddingwire.com/FenskeOstrander

Ellis House Equestrian center

So now we have then vender - Ellis House Equestrian Center in Minooka. We have our cater & baker - Enjoi Bakery in Morris Illinois. They will also be providing licensed bartenders to serve beverages - we will be providing the beverages - i'm hoping to get hooked up with a beer trailer from work (I work for a beverage wholsaler) we are going to have a buffet style set up with them - saddly I forgot what we decided to have them serve - but I remember that the salad is going to be spanish, with a raspberry dressing with strawberrys & and bacon - similar to one we tried at a different catering place - Gormet Cetering in Sugar grove - they were really good but a little too pricy for us - they also do not have a liquor licence.

Last saturday we picked our cake at Enjoy. Joi made us 3 little cakes of our selection. We decided to try Red Velvet, pumpkin & swirl with cream cheese frosting and regular frosting. They were all really good but we decided on doing the main cake with red velvet & cream cheese frosting - then doing a separate sheet cake for the rest in swirl and regular frosting.  We are working really good with Enjoy except I think they had a really bad experience with their liquor licence stuff - they are very touchy and strict about it - sometimes it comes across as rude - but I think it is because of bad experiences - my guests will not be a problem (I hope :)) I think some people are really stupid about their weddings too - get super upset if they don't get to do exactly what they want when they want... I can't get over how many choices I have with this wedding - I could do anything... it's wierd. i'm use to having a few options to choose from... it's hard deciding everything.... 

So we have the place, the food, the drinks (I'll be watching for water, soda & liquor sales soon!) Then we have the dress - AND it fits. I ordered it online... Defantly can't gain any weight before the wedding - good thing I'll have run a 50k about 3 weeks before.

Our tent place is Channahon General Rentals... in...you guessed it - Channahon. We are renting a 40x80 tent - lights, round tables, a bar, a wedding arch thing, other tables... I also decided I want to have a pop corn maker for later in the night! Late night snacks & Judah and I both love pop corn. 

We also asked my old youth pastor Paul Banister of Cornerstone Church to do the wedding Ceremony and he said he would do it - so that is exiting. We have not decided where to do it yet though - figure we will take a trip to Ellis house in the spring to decide. I want to have fun stuf for people to do through out the night - like bags and other game type stuff. Make it a party - not some formal event. 

I am fairly certain I am going to book Missy from Elite Photography to photograph the wedding. I worked with missy as her assistant when I was in college & I alway liked her, and her work. Since then she is even better and more experienced and she has agreed to give me a lower rate for the day since I just want a disk of the images to do the retouching myself. My dad is a photographer and though I was going to have him shoot the wedding like he did for my sisters - I feel bad, but I really think it will be nicer for everyone to have Missy do it - that will be her only concern for the day - unlike his - he has to walk me down the isle, dress and get ready himself, be in the photoes and talk to guests... I am hoping I will not hurt his feelings too much by booking Elite Photo. It's not that i don't think he will do a good job - I just want my dad to be my dad at the wedding - not my photographer... 

The DJ is my next concern and I have discovered they are expensive. The least expensive one is $590 tax free cash only... She seems nice enough, but a little controlling, and she does not have many lights. 

tasks coming up are: book dj & photographer for sure - finish my invites & print. Get addresses from Judah's mom & start constructing the invites to mail... then start ordering decorations, plates and stuff like that. 

Also we have decided on our honeymoon - we are going to Costa Rica - the Riu - it's an all inclusive with 5 restaurants, a HUGE pool, by the ocean, tennis, trails, by jungle, included paddle botes, snorkeling  wind surfing & more.   

I went to a bridal expo a few weeks ago and got a lot of good info - I also won a awesome suit case! pretty exited about that. I needed one too!

Well that's all for now! lots to do!

Getting Better

Well - I think I've got this wedding & getting married thing under control. We had to change the date - it's going to be July 6th now. Ellis House Equestrian Center is booked - We found a tent place channahon rental - the seemed to have the best prices & they are close to Ellis House. They will put up a tent over the whole tent pad - so we will have pleanty of room. We decided on Enjoi Bakery in Morris for our food & cake. They have good prices & are also close. We will have Herb roasted chicken, Roast beef with gravy, Green Beans, baby red roasted potatoes, a salad with spinach, strawberry, apples, bacon and a raspberry dressing & rolls. We're going to get plates and decorations on line. The tent place has "globe lightning" but we want to do something more interesting as well for that - some sort of colored globes maybe. 
I have the invitations pretty much done. I'm going to send them to print and have a "invitation construction party" Because I wan to tie them together with ribbon and some other stuff....

Saturday my mom & 3 of my bridesmaids came with for me to try on wedding dresses. it was nice to have them there and I think I will order one of the dresses today. One that I liked had a lace up back and a kind along train. I liked it a lot, but for an outdoor wedding I don't think the train is going to make me happy. I like the way it looks, but it was more expensive and I just think i would get sick of the train - and they look wierd when they are "bussled" up... the other one I liked was really simple, no train... we tied a green sash on it with a bow in the back and I really liked it... I think for an outdoor wedding it would be better - I do wish it had a lace up back though, but it's not worth it to me to go look at more dresses to find "the perfect one" or to pay the extra money to have it put in... 

Judah and I also opened a joint wedding checking account that will be our joint account to pay bills out of once we are married. 

My sister (maid of honor) is going to plan a wedding shower for June - I opened up registers - but have not added anything to them yet. I figure Judah and I will do that together before she sends off the invites....

I have a nice check list that i'm working on... it all seems pretty manageable.... I think it's going to be a really fun celebration for all our friends and family.