The wedding plans are going ok... Good I guess. Got the invites off - a bunch came back because apparently you have to pay an extra 20 cents to send a square envelope.. lame. Have a lot to do this month though. The shower is in 2 weeks.... My sister is doing a really nice job on that... I feel bad though that she is doing so much work & spending money & time on me when I'm sure she has lots of things to do that are more fun... but I am happy that she is planning it & exited to go.. I have a dress already to wear...
Got clothes for Judah and I to go on our honey moon...
Still need to book another tour & transportation to the resort...
Still need to make a cake topper...
Still need to pick ceremony site...
Still need to print programs...
Still need to plan the rehersal dinner...
And a few other things...
But my issue now is that I don't know if I CAN change my name. Not for any legal reasons, but because I don't know if myself will let myself... It's complicated, you see. Imagine yourself on the top of a rock... You want to jump into the lake - it's safe - it's fun - you have watched other people do it... but you can't make your self do it - it just does not feel right to jump in. You try to take a running start... you try to leap, but somehow you screech to a halt right at the edge... You waver a little, because your balance is lost, you almost fall in but every muscle in your body works to prevent that from happening... Finally you stand at the edge and look down again.... You don't want to jump anymore.
It's something like that. I love Judah. I like his name - Annette Fenske sounds and looks perceptually fine. I want him to be happy because I love him and I know that he wants me to change my name so that we can have the same last name... but that is where it gets complicated...
You see, the whole reason women changed their names to their husbands names was because the woman's ownership was being transferred from her fathers to her husbands.... I am not property. This is my choice. I see no reason to change my name based on a tradition that was unjust and actually really horrible, prohibiting women from voting, or even opening her own credit card with out her husbands permission. It just does not seem right to me to change my name based on that origin. It seems that, if I do that, Change my name, that I condone that treatment, even now that my value as a person lessons by choosing to change my name... But I want to because I love Judah and I know he wants me to...
The problem is, I wish I could just leave it at that... But after discussion, I started to be angry at Judah too about this. Why would the man that loves me, and would do anything for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me WANT me to use a tradition that came from such a origin? Maybe he does not truly love me... I thought... When I asked why he wanted me to take his name he said "because I love you and want to share my name with you" to me that seemed prideful. What about my name - I could say the same thing - it's just our stupid traditions and cultural expectations that make men that way... I hate it. I hate the world.
In modern days I see a purposes for a family to have the same last name... So that they all share it, they are a family unit... I understand that, I want that... However, if that is the main purpose it should not matter WHAT name our common name is. The fact that he would not be willing to change his name hurts because that means he understands why I would not want to and yet he still wants me to. He would not even conciser having a new or combined name... Changing his name is out of the question to him, but I am to change my name and should just do it because that is "just how it is" Well that answer has never been good enough for me and it most certainly is not in this case. Just the fact that if he did change his name (and I know he will not, but just play along with me) If he did, so many people would think it was SO strange, his parents would be upset, many of his family members would be upset... We would be questioned constantly.... People might even look down on him, make jokes, poke fun... That makes me angry. Why should it be any different than me changing my name? No one would say anything, in fact they would call us "Mr & Mrs Fenske" on purpose just to hear it.. I hate that things that are socially excepted and have no real reason for being that way in the world today, are just automatically accepted & going against the grain brings suspicion, scorn, questioning... It just isen't right.
So because of all that... I don't know if I can do it. I know that if I do not Judah will resent me - I will resent that he resents me for that because I do not think it should matter so much to him since he understands how I feel... He wouldn't want to change him ether.. On the other hand if I DO change my name I may resent him. I guess my most favorable option now is to hyphenate names.. I think that if I do that then our future children will also have hyphenated last names like mine - then he will be the odd ball because he would not change anything for me.
I am still struggling with this... I do not know what I will do :( This is not fun though. I will say that.
